Katie is tired of dating the same kind of person over and over again. She’s frustrated that she keeps allowing herself to enter harmful relationships. Sam wants to start eating better and exercise more. He’s frustrated because he can’t seem to find the time for exercise and chooses foods that make him feel bad. Alia is hard on herself everyday because she knows she is clingy in relationships. She just can’t seem to stop with the obsessive texting and spirals.
Do any of these sound familiar? Or maybe your frustration comes from another form of behavior that you wish you could change, but you just can’t seem to make it happen. We all have patterns and behaviors that make it easy to become irritated with ourselves and feel like change is out of reach.
Why can’t you seem to change?
You may want to change. You can even feel it to your core, but you can’t seem to make it happen. So you get upset with yourself and turn it inward. Bringing on the downward spiral of mean words and shameful feelings. This spiral is one of the main things that keeps you stuck.
Most of us move through the world reacting to things we don’t fully understand. One of the biggest ways to change the pattern is to know why the pattern is happening. Awareness and curiosity instead of judgement is an important first place to start.
So, let’s begin by looking at where your reactions come from. Why do you obsessively text, sit on the couch instead of exercise, feel bad about yourself, constantly battle your self-esteem, etc.?
Understanding the core of what motivates our behaviors
When we feel triggered, overwhelmed, small, or anxious, and then we judge ourselves for it.
But underneath our reaction is a deeper motive and meaning. One that traces back to three powerful forces that are quietly shaping how we see ourselves and relate to others: core wounds, core beliefs, and core fears.
Understanding how these work and how they work together can completely shift how we show up in our healing, our relationships, and our lives.
1. The core wound: The emotional root
A core wound is not a thought. It’s a feeling that is raw, unresolved, and usually formed early in life. It’s the emotional experience that said, “Something about me is not okay.”
One of my earliest memories is when I was about 3 or 4. I was at a babysitter’s house, and she had a cat who I really liked. I can remember seeing the cat’s food dish, and it was empty. The food was sitting next to it, so I decided I’d help the cat out and give it some more food. What my little child brain didn’t see was that it was actually the water bowl, and that the bowl was full of water. I can remember my babysitting flying off the handle when she saw that I put cat food in the water bowl. I know with all my heart that I was just trying to be helpful. But that experience wounded me because my intention and her extreme shaming reaction were shocking.
This is an example in my own life of a small event that happened that may seem insignificant. Or, we often don’t even remember the exact moment it formed at all, but we carry it in our bodies like an invisible bruise that keeps getting bumped.
Some common core wounds sound like:
- I’m not enough
- I’m unlovable
- Even why I try and help I can’t do it right
- My needs are too much
- It’s not safe to be me
These aren’t just ideas. They’re deeply felt truths we internalize in moments of emotional pain, rejection, shame, or abandonment.
2. The core belief
This is the story we built inside our brains to survive. In response to the wound, our minds do what they’re wired to do, which is to make meaning. Core beliefs are the unconscious narratives we form to try to make sense of that emotional pain, or to avoid ever feeling it again.
They might sound like:
- If I’m perfect, I’ll be loved
- I can’t trust anyone
- I have to stay small to stay safe
- I’m only valuable when I’m useful
These beliefs become the lens through which we view the world. They don’t just shape how we see ourselves. They shape what we expect from others, how we interpret situations, and what we believe we’re allowed to have.
3. The core fear: The response that protects the wound
Our core fear is the emotional consequence we’re afraid of if the wound gets activated again. It’s the part of us that says, “I never want to feel that way again.”
So, in response, we avoid, numb, overperform, withdraw, or try to control the world around us. Not because we’re broken, but because we’re protecting something tender.
Common core fears include:
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being fully seen
- Fear of being wrong or misunderstood
- Fear of success
- Fear of being unlovable
How They Work Together
Let’s look at an example:
→ Wound: I’m not enough
→ Belief: I need to prove my worth
→ Fear: If I slow down or mess up, I’ll be rejected
So you overfunction. You say yes when you mean no. You stay silent in moments when your truth is begging to be spoken. Not because you don’t know better, but because that old emotional blueprint is still running in the background.
Then, to make matters worse, you beat yourself up and become frustrated with yourself because you’re not changing old patterns that you desperately want to change.
The healing begins when…
You allow yourself to have awareness without judgment and name the wound with honesty and compassion, not blame or shame. You allow yourself to examine the wound, belief, and fear, and get acquainted with them. Seeing it as a part of your unconscious mind that is trying to keep you safe, rather than a part of yourself, you can bully yourself into changing through frustration.
Once you’re able to understand your patterns and where they come from, you can thank your brain for trying to keep you safe, and then let it know that you don’t need that protection anymore. You can start to challenge your patterns and ask if it’s actually true, or if it’s just old protection.
You face the fear gently, with support, knowing you don’t have to do it alone.
This is the deeper work of healing and not avoiding. Not just trying to “fix yourself”. But returning to yourself, piece by piece, with love, patience, and grace.
You don’t have to walk through the process alone
If you’ve been feeling stuck in the same emotional patterns, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It might just mean there’s an old wound asking to be seen, a belief ready to be rewritten, or a fear that no longer needs to protect you the way it used to.
This is important work, and you’re doing it. And while some of the journey may be a path you walk alone, there is always support when you’re ready for it. You can feel free to reach out to me and learn more about my counseling and coaching services, or find a therapist near you.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author. This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, financial, medical, or therapeutic advice. Readers should consult a qualified professional before making any decisions based on the information provided.