Fear can feel like an ever-present part of our lives. The piece that holds us back from moving forward and doing/experiencing the things we really desire. Fear is often the result of core wounds and beliefs, and it’s our brain’s way of trying to protect us. Fear is necessary in many ways. It’s a primal programing to keep us from doing dangerous things like jumping into a tank full of sharks or walking too close to the edge of a cliff. It protects us from valid concerns. And, sometimes it tries to protect us from concerns at aren’t really valid. These fears are what keep us stuck in the same place.
Fear can be seen at the surface level, or we can take the time and do the work to look beneath it, which is usually something deeper. The part of us trying to stay safe.
For more than 20 years, I’ve been working with clients who feel stuck by fear. Frozen in the same place and unable to move forward. Clients who have felt like they can’t do what they really want to do in life because fear is holding them back. Here are some of the most common fears that show up for people.
The most common fears that hold us back
- Fear of failure
- Fear of not being enough
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of success
- Fear of disconnection
- Fear of harm
- Fear of being imperfect
- Fear of the unknown
- Fear of having no control
- Fear of other people’s judgement
Do any of these resonate with you? I’m guessing you can see yourself in more than one. Why? Because you’re human. It’s common to have multiple fears that stunt our growth and make us doubt ourselves.
That’s why I created the C.H.A.N.G.E method of dealing with fear differently than we’ve been taught to in the past. Rather than being frozen by it, it’s a way to navigate through it. The C.H.A.N.G.E. method is a step-by-step process to help people meet their fear with compassion and courage, without bypassing the real emotions underneath. Let me guide you through each step.
C – Create Space
Change can’t happen when we’re in a reactive loop, distracted by screens, or have such a packed schedule that there isn’t even time to breathe. We have to create physical, mental, and emotional space to even see the fear clearly. That might look like taking a walk without your phone, sitting quietly with your journal, or saying ‘no’ to one more distraction. Creating space is the first brave step.
This is the most important step. Why? Because if there is no space to change the old patterns, how will it ever happen? Maybe through the forced intervention of a traumatic event that MAKES you slow down and pay attention. But we don’t want that. We want to intervene with your own free will, not in response to something that’s so painful it stops you in your tracks.
Ask yourself: How am I currently creating space in my life? Do I have space to reflect and go deeper? What distractions or numbing activities do I engage in every day? How can I add more space to reflect and listen to myself in my life?
Remember that two minutes a day is progress. Don’t try to go from 0 to 100. Small steps are what matter.
H – Have curiosity
Fear thrives on shame and judgment. But curiosity breaks the cycle. It elicits a completely different outcome when you open yourself up to the possibilities of curiosity.
- Example:
- Judgment statement- Why am I so weak? I shouldn’t react like this over something so small. I’m such a horrible person. I don’t like myself and who I am. I need to force myself to change.
- Curiosity- Wow, that situation really triggered something within me. I wonder what it is? Why was I so fearful or reactive? What is that reaction trying to tell me? What information can I gather from this experience about myself?
Do you see how judgment keeps you stuck and curiosity encourages your understanding and growth? You can’t move forward if you’re being your own worst enemy. There are reasons why you do the things you do.
Ask yourself: What is this fear trying to say? What is it trying to protect me from? Is there more to this feeling than I realized? You don’t need to fix it yet. Just get curious.
A – Allow awareness and gather information
Instead of pushing the fear away, invite it in. This is where you lean in. This can be difficult because it’s uncomfortable. This is the second part of having curiosity. It’s actually listening to what your inner voice has to say.
We have emotional reactions for a reason. Our core wounds and core beliefs lead to our core fears. So when you allow awareness, you gather the information your brain wants you to pay attention to. If you never pay attention, the pattern will keep happening over and over again. You have to stop and hear what you need to hear so you can change the pattern and learn the lesson.
Ask yourself: Where does this come from? What is the root of it? Is this fear based on the present or the past? Let your awareness be gentle. Let it teach you something.
N – Nurture self-compassion
You cannot bully yourself into healing. Self-compassion is the bridge between awareness and transformation. It’s another vital point, and one that I think most people have the hardest time with. That’s why I speak specifically to self-compassion in my Living Brave group classroom. How do you show compassion to yourself? It’s about responding with kindness rather than disdain.
- Example:
- Defeating response- You’re such an idiot. No one is going to want to be around you if you act like this. Get over it and stop whining.
- Compassionate response- You have been through so much. Your brain developed these defenses to try and keep you safe from feeling abandoned. Your responses make sense. And now it doesn’t serve us anymore. We can find a way to move forward differently.
How does it feel to read the two different kinds of responses? Just remember that you heal with love and kindness. You can’t bully yourself into moving through fear. This step softens your nervous system and builds internal safety.
Say to yourself:
- It makes sense that I feel this way.
- This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.
- I don’t have to earn gentleness, I deserve it.
- Of course I react this way
- I can recognize the responses no longer serving me and release them with love
G – Go Be Brave
Bravery doesn’t mean you feel ready. It means you show up anyway. This is where you access your courage and bravery to move forward differently. You allow yourself to look at where you want to go instead.
As humans, it’s SO easy to only focus on what we don’t want. Because we think that if we focus on what we don’t want to happen, we can plan for it better and make sure it doesn’t happen. Not true. We need to switch our brains to focusing on what we want instead. Do you feel fearful when you walk into a room filled with people you don’t know, so you stand in the back of the room and don’t interact? What do you want instead? How do you want to walking into a room like this? What would you look like and what would you be doing if you weren’t afraid? Even being willing to look at the fear is an act of courage.
Ask yourself: What does bravery look like for me in this moment? Is it speaking up? Asking for help? Sitting with a hard truth? What are some areas I need to develop an understanding of what I want instead?
E – Engage in Action
This is where intention becomes embodiment. You don’t need to overhaul your life. Just take one small brave step based on everything you’ve uncovered. Real change is built through small, steady, soul-aligned actions that add up over time.
You need to know what you want instead. Then, create a plan for that outcome. But break it down into small, tiny steps. Want to go to college and get a degree, but you feel frozen by fear and overwhelmed by what you have to do to get there? Or maybe you need to have a hard conversation with someone, but you feel too afraid. Break it down smaller. Start by just researching colleges. Or, creating space to visualize what it would look like to have a hard conversation. Or do research on communication and conflict skills.
Ask yourself: What are my next brave steps? How can I break down my big vision into smaller pieces? Do I need help with accountability to take action?
Fear is not your enemy
Fear serves its purpose in our lives. It has a place in our biology. It’s here to keep us safe. But sometimes it’s hypervigilant, or the things it once needed to protect us from don’t serve us anymore. Sometimes we need the fear, and sometimes we don’t. If we can see it as an information source rather than there being something “wrong” with us, we can actually make real change.
C.H.A.N.G.E. isn’t about forcing transformation. It’s about slowing down long enough to meet yourself where you are, and gently choosing to move forward. Overcoming fear doesn’t mean never feeling it again. It means having a map for how to walk through it without abandoning yourself.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author. This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, financial, medical, or therapeutic advice. Readers should consult a qualified professional before making any decisions based on the information provided.